Sexless in the city
Posted by: Nancy Wilson in Uncategorised on
Feb 21, 2009
Valentine’s Day? Bah luvbug says Nancy Wilson.
For more years than I care to admit, I’ve been single in the South of France. No, there’s nothing “wrong” with me and if I hear “but you have so much to offer” one more time, I’ll vow to celibacy for the rest of my days. It’s not that I don’t meet people, far from it in fact due to the nature of my work, and yet somehow, I seem destined to remain a leper. Two theories come to mind. First, within the anglophone community, it’s mostly families or couples and there aren’t many unattached people who pick up and move to this region; second, amongst the prominently coupled French society, singles aren’t welcome nor included.
Admittedly, I’ve not been actively seeking my soul mate, carousing night after night because frankly, who has time? (And no, I do not hide behind my work). Admission number two: deep down I’ve always believed that if it’s meant to be, it will just happen. A huge hurdle at hand is that while most of my generation is surgically altering thumbs to quicker manipulate Blackberrys or pledging their religion on Spacebook and the likes, I couldn’t care less about an online community poking me. Bending to pressure from those concerned about my well-being, I did sign up on meetic.fr – “one of Europe’s most popular internet dating services” – and lasted one week before waking up in a panic attack about my photo exposed online. No matter how many happy ever after e-stories I hear, online dating seems phony, not to mention dangerous. Why would anyone invest typing time inventing amusing exchanges when it all boils down to chemistry.
With a determined enthusiasm, I also tried to solicit possible dating material from everyone I know (98 per cent of whom are in couples) but to no avail. Convinced more drastic measures were needed, I decided to seek advice from matchmaker Mairead Molloy of a local introduction agency. “Some people think a dating service is synthetic love. Like when you buy a Prada coat, you expect it to last ten years. The same can be said for the more you pay to meet someone, the higher the expectation for results.”
Am I alone in my singleness here? “This part of the world is different,” Mairead reassures me. “French women are more closed and happier to settle than anglophone women, and would never, ever join a dating agency. They believe in the kind of love where you marry at 22, have kids, a dog and eat Sunday lunch with Granny. For the French, being single is socially unacceptable. In the UK however, there are now more singles than ever before and joining a dating service is just part of what people do.”
The buzz of dating ... or not
So what are the options? “You can try to integrate with the French, have a go at internet dating – but I’ll say for the record, people lie online – or join a dating agency like Berkeley International. Yes, it costs – £6000 a year to be exact – but it will open doors to single people of a certain stature, which in turns open more doors through their friends. There are no photos, no profiles but passports and police records are checked. Honestly, the excitement – the buzz if you like – of going through the dating process with us will change your personality. You’ll make more of an effort with how you look and think more positively. The biggest mistake people make, though, is having too high expectations. Remember money can’t buy answers.”
While I contemplate the agency option (and blow the cobwebs out of my wallet), I go to onvasortir.com. Recommended by a few acquaintances, this French site has its members suggest cultural activities and boasts “it’s the best way to meet some true friends”. I’ve always heard it’s best to start out as friends and until it blossoms into something more, the two men in my life this Valentine’s will remain my colleagues Patrick Middleton and Mike Meade.
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Show/Hide commentswritten by Jane P , 22 February 2009
written by Lilias , 24 February 2009
Obviously you must know the song "Some Enchanted Evening" which appeared in the film "South Pacific". It could have been written for me - although it wasn't across a crowded room but rather across a large round table on the veranda outside the Red Sea Hotel in Port Sudan in 1943. I didn't know who the man was sitting across the table opposite me, but someone at the table made an incongruous remark - I can't remember what it was ? but it struck the two of us simultaneously and our eyes met across the table reflecting the same thought. And that was it! Since then I have never been in any doubt what love was. So hang on and don't despair. If it's going to happen and if it's the real thing, one day it will hit you right between the eyes and believe me it's worth the waiting.
Years later I was in a bedroom helping a friend put on her wedding dress when her mother, who was in the room, left with the final remark "Well you can always get a divorce." And so she did only 6 months after her husband left her to become a guest of Her Majesty for several years. Now she has a couple of Alsatians for company. I often wonder how many brides go to the altar not really knowing what love is?
Me, I was unlucky because he died on the way home from the Middle East on a hospital ship. But I have never been lonely. I like my own company, I have travelled to many countries - never on a cruise ship, I assure you - but on everything from banana boats to card boats to container ships and lastly on a 5-masted schooner. Now because of my age I have to keep my feet on terra firma, but I have my diaries to read and re-read to remind me - and thankfully have always had the music of Frank Sinatra.
PS - I did pick up on my own to the South of France mainly because I found England so boring, the conversation never seemed to get beyond domestic or family matters, and the rest of the wide world not worth talking about.
written by Jessica , 26 February 2009
Over the age of 40 - dont know if you are there, we can all be pretty but to meet a local french man and his mother, I mean brains and what they have in their pocket, needs a lot to be desired. What I hate about the french and any man one meets for a coffee is that the meeting means sex - I mean how many ugly frogs are we compelled to kiss (and go further with) before we meet our prince? I don't, and I disappoint many, but its a pressure and unfortunately men do not accept "no" until they have heard it from me and then its so painful to hurt someones feelings. It has to be done, but it wares one down.
Any English I have wanted to meet on meetic have always ended up to be total alcoholics or are looking for the perenniel blonde.
You know what went well in your last edition was also culturally incompatible marriages. You should expand on this topic I can give you loads of elements on cultural marriage problems.I think as the local British community want to bury their heads in the sand one should make an article on cultural marriage failures, woman running businessees all alone in france (once the so called husband has been paid to leave, whilst maintaining all his properties here, the law is on the side of the French/Italiens). And then the great jackpot - the recession, which the French government does nothing to help small businesses - I am presently being taxed on 2007 revenues - god help me if I survive 2008 - Yes am alone, run my own business with employees, have done meetic and am divorced from a cultural incompatible 15 year marriage. Jeese its like hitting my head against a brick wall.
The only thing I like here is the sun, the rest you can keep in your back pocket because men in the South of France are as about intelligent as a pea and English men down here if they are alone go for the young Russian import. The restaurents are absolutely crap and its no good being single and playing tennis because the club will never give you a partner. So we are alone - try going to a gym -its full of local gorillas - the men are way over their heads and the woman speak worse French than an English - so the local society is nul..... but to be honest thats how the locals live..
British woman here who donate to society, need a support centre, we could be and I am the meat and bones of the community, we have ideas culture and can create things, but one needs a partner.
Am thrilled with your piece but I think the reporter can go further. You need to get a bit more local impact and try to get a bit more valid response. If you have not seriously done meetic or onvasortir talk to someone who has - you could start a Dear Nancy column.
written by MikeP , 21 March 2009
A friend of mine, she's an attractive, fun, outspoken, and intelligent woman of 40, placed an advert on a dating site. She received about 100 replies within the first 24 hours.
She deleted 75% of them because they consisted of one liners, for example :
"Call me ... 072 xxxxxx"
"Call me if you want a shag" (at least he was
specific!)
"Hi, I'm Bob, single."
"Hi I'm 6'2", 12 stone, and 9"." He sent a photo of the 9"!
"I'm free on Saterday."
"Gagging for it? .... call me. You won't be sorry."
"wot's up?"
She deleted a lot of the others because they were clearly from people who had psychological problems, were looking for a bit on the side, or were obvious losers, liars, braggarts, or just too boring.
She was left with about 5 potentials. After a couple of short emails with one guy who seemed the least pathetic of the lot, they exchanged numbers and he called her. She told him about herself, her job, her background, etc, and then asked him to do the same. His reply was : "I drive a BMW."
I would like to say that after that she decided to become a nun, but she didn't. She did however resign herself to a life with 'none' until she finds the right person.
written by Panda Eyes , 23 March 2009
written by Gina , 27 March 2009
About dating sites. There are good ones and bad ones, so shop around for a classy one, and be careful. Take your time to find someone just right for you. Maybe a 'niche' site helps if you have a special interest eg. tennis, opera, scuba diving. Good luck!
written by MikeP , 27 March 2009
In the distant days when I first came to the Cote D'Azur and was single, many of my friends back home were almost insanely jealous and imagined me living a playboy life style surrounded by millions of beautiful women. Of course I nurtured that image for their benefit, but the reality could not have been different.
Most of the English speaking females I met were either boring, attached, or only interested in going out to Antibes and getting 'rat-arsed' as often as possible. Not my scene. Of course there were one or two who met my high standards but they, for some foolish reason best known to themselves, weren't interested in me.
Then there were the French ones. Nice from far but far from nice. Most of the women, sullen and unsmiling, look as if they have a bad smell under their nose (which is often the case). Why do they imagine that pouring perfume over themselves is a substitute for bathing? One of my 'French' experiences was having to evacuate and ventilate my office after a co-worker had been to see me, so that I could escape the embarrassment of any other visitor thinking that it was me who had not bathed for three months. Local folklore says that when a snake bites a man, the man dies. When a snake bites a woman, the snake dies. Whoever wrote that certainly knew something about the women here.
Materialistic and calculating, they were more interested in the size of your car and bank balance, or the colour of your credit card, than your personality or interests. I briefly went out with a French girl, whom my friends nicknamed 'the poison dwarf', who asked me why I didn't have a gold credit card.
My first and only date with the next one, whom I had met at a barbecue, ended abruptly after we had spent the day on the beach, in July. She had not gone into the water once, nor showered, and we went back to her flat before going out for dinner. I showered and changed, she put on jeans and a top over the sweaty bikini she'd been wearing all day. She was boring and devoid of personality anyway and a date with a good book was far more appealing.
Now some of my single female friends ask me if I know any decent eligible (non-gay) single guys, and my single male friends ask me the same question in reverse, and mostly the answer is no.
It's a battlefield out there.
written by MikeP , 30 March 2009
".... my friends imagined me living a playboy life style. Of course I nurtured that image for their benefit, but the reality could not have been *MORE* different."
The point I was trying to make was that this is by far the worst place in which to be single, in my fairly wide international and multicultural experience. Tips on where is good are available in return for hefty deposits into my secret numbered Liechtenstein bank account/ Sorry Liechtenstein is no longer secret. Make that Vanuatu.
written by alain , 23 April 2009
And then there's the opposite, when you must also manage an extramarital relationship. A real headache! I think it's better to be single. we are finally quiet!
written by MikeP , 12 June 2009
http://www.justletting.co.za/assets/blue_juice/may_09/full_version/may_blue_juice_full.html#twelve
written by .... , 01 December 2009
I start off with Berkeley international back in early 2009 i was so enthusiastic, thinking that my days of hopeless Internet searching would be finally over, and i would meet a attractive genuine partner, sadly not.
I meet with Berkeley international and the typical sales pitch was made pay us loads of cash and you will get the best service possible, now there was me thinking Berkeley International would delivery on what the promised, genuine honest dates, sadly thou it didn't happen lets be honest i had all in all 6 - 7 dates at first i thought OK, they made a match i would go on the date and see what would happen, sadly the introduction from Berkeley International was not up to par we didn't have anything in common, and look wise no.
I would do this for around 2 or 3 more dates where i would just go on a date from Berkeley International not knowing what i would let me self in for, then i got a bit fed up, i started conversations with people who they wanted me to go on a date with but i said "no" "there's no point me going on a date with this person because we don't get on" i felt like Berkeley were just trying to push dates my way not knowing what i really wanted.
Im sure Berkeley International are good at elite dating, im sure they have had some good stories, however for me its a no.
Also i would like to add that when i first Joined them, i wanted to pay via Credit Card, however they wouldn't allow me, cash / cheque bank transfer only, now i know why - i can say that if i did by via credit card, i would have asked my credit card for my money back.
I'm not saying don't join Berkeley because it might work, you may find the people who i went on a date with the best possible partner, all i am saying is don't expect a amazing customer service, their matching team are crazy, here's a test for you
I lost count the number of times i called and asked to be put through my "match maker" i gave up, the amount of times i rang Berkeley International to chase what was happening , i expected them to call me.
There are other ways to meet people, things such as cooking classes, dancing classes , language classes, however i didn't have time, so again i thought Berkeley were the ones, however i was disappointed is all i can say
So if you about to join them, all i can say is don't expect the most amazing service - if you are a customer would love to hear your thoughts
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Yes I know, I am different, that is my strength but it also means there is still hope. I saw a single friend yesterday exactly in the same position as you and guess what? She won 2 airline tickets in Club Class to the US and did not find someone to go with her. Isn't that the ultimate proof that men are stupid??